a side of hungry mews

Tonight I come home….
Pain level = 4.  Anxiety level = 4.
But I was looking forward to showing you my new haircut that I paid too much money for.

I walk in the door probably 90 minutes later than I expected.
Perhaps I should have called or texted…
Nah, he’ll figure out how to take care of things.
He always does.

The cat is meowing.
Have you fed her?
No.
{no movement or inquiry if you could help}

Have you eaten?
No, you said you would fix something to go with the leftovers…
::: completely astounded moment of silence from me :::
Yeah, but I didn’t know that I would be home so late… I thought you would have done “a fend for yourself” or something…
{no movement or inquiry if you could help}

Pain level = 5.
Cat mewing more… damn clunking shoe’d neighbor upstairs…
Irritation level = 6.

I thought maybe you would have helped so we wouldn’t have to wait another 30 minutes for dinner (ok, maybe 15-20 minutes for me to feed the cat, heat and reheat, set the table and fix a drink for myself.)
{no movement or inquiry if you could help}

I asked if you could come to the table (hoping that maybe you could offer to fold a napkin, maybe even ask if I needed a drink while I prepped everything for us all.  Or, at the very least, to please just be there so we could settle into our evening routine).

I didn’t foresee you throwing your dish and food into the sink (that I reheated and put on the table before I even put my dinner on the table when I was feeling a bit hangry at that point, because I thought maybe you were feeling hangry at that point too)… then walking out the door like all the prep work meant nothing, like I meant nothing and like communication meant nothing.  Silence with an indefinite ending.

Ate my dinner, knowing yours is sitting toppled over and draining down the sink.  Sitting relieved somewhat from the physical pain (fluxing between 2 and 3 intermittently for some unknown reason), and hanger subsided somewhat but now there was a feeling of empty despair to replace that.

We have our last marriage counseling session tomorrow. It hurts to feel all the unsettling fear and angst and hopelessness within a span of a few minutes…

I was wrong to consider that you would offer to help.
Maybe “consider” is less than what I felt…
maybe I expected it based on who I think you are after these years.

I was wrong to ask you to come to the table.
I do know you can’t read my mind, to know I was in pain, feeling hangry and agitated by the hungry mews and neighbor above.. but I thought if I voiced my desire (so we could progress with the evening, even though I wasn’t getting the help I hoped for) that you would have been kind and simply come for the food that I prepared.

To keep it simple and kind.

If my words or actions were unkind or unsympathetic you were feeling in that moment, I’m sorry for upsetting you – or making you feel I was trying to convince you to do something you didn’t want to do.

Crying won’t matter.
{ it makes me want to stuff the emotions with something chocolate – ugh }

I don’t know what to say or do.
I don’t know what to change or how to be better here.

 

 

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wimpy weakend

I consider weekend spent sleeping too much as failures.  This weekend was spent sleeping way too much.  It started off with a Friday filled with a lot more pain than usual in my low neck/upper back region.  It wasn’t better by Saturday morning – thankfully, Dv was willing to help me – we went and got some Aspercreme and he applied to my whole back (as it started to radiate downward).  Lord, it makes me feel so old to have issues like this.  I’m grateful to be feeling better now, that took a lot out of me.

fibromyalgia

I don’t know if it was due to fibromyalgia, sleeping wrong, or because of the bed and/or pillow I use sometimes in the guest bed (I go there when I have insomnia or if Dv is snoring and I can’t easily get back to sleep) – or a combo of all of the above.  It’s sad that I am in the guest bed 9 out of 10 times by morning lately, it seems — usually due to my insomnia.  Dv doesn’t complain, thankfully.

He mentioned in an email today that there was a cash-back deal on a Casper mattress, but I thought it would be better to put funds towards debt right now… I feel like I’ll be ok if I don’t sleep too long in that guest mattress (more than 5-6 hours).  Also, I would much rather have a mattress that can breath a bit better than a foam mattress will.  A part of what sometimes wakes me at night is sweating – the foam mattress we have is comfortable but it makes me sweat more when I get those lovely waves of hot flashes (a common side affect of fibromyalgia… could also possibly be a pre-menopausal symptom, I guess…).  If we ever need a new mattress for our bed, I will not want another foam mattress no matter how comfortable.. a breathing mattress is much better, imo.  Maybe the technology will get better though – we’ll see.

I had wanted to go see wedding dresses and a few other things on my own, I just couldn’t manage to get myself up and going.  I only managed to do 2 loads of laundry (grateful there wasn’t more to do.)  I think my body needed the break though… I pray they come up with a solution to fibromyalgia… sooner than later.

 

 

holding pattern

I sort of feel like I’m in a holding pattern for the next 7-9 months.  Not knowing what lies on the other end of that time period is difficult as well.

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I am back in the place that I find myself frequently in… a thought pops up about “why make connections or start new things when I feel I will be leaving?“… But then I also think about how it’s likely healthier to live in the moment and do things that will be good for me in the present and just let things play out as they will.

A part of me feels I should be proactive to open the doors to what “can be” on the other end of the waiting period (looking for jobs in that area, scoping out information and home costs, crime info, job statistics, church possibilities, water quality, mapping out how far I might be from friends/family, weather & fire issues, deals are available for flights in/out of that area to places we may visit or want visitors from…etc).  All these things could fill up my time perhaps.

Another part of me is scared of not being any happier at another juncture.  And a part of me is afraid that Dv isn’t happy about my desire for another move too.

Hodge-podge side notes…

  • I have rocks to paint for our wedding. Art keeps going on the back-burner for some reason.
  • Have not found a dress for the wedding yet.
  • Need to refine invites… and order them.  Less than 150 days to go.
  • I want to change my primary care doctor… I sent a message to an office but have gotten no reply.  Ugh.
  • My dentist wants me to talk to him… I don’t think it will change anything regarding the way they operate, really.
  • Possibility of an art therapist to see in a few months… hopefully will be able to afford it.  We’ll see.
  • I am very, very happy about the way the the church we’ll be holding our wedding at is being so extremely helpful & friendly (and they aren’t even our home church)!
  • We started premarital counseling… it’s definitely not “deep” imo – so far, it feels a bit like just going going thru the motions of getting it done and reviewing & discussing some of the scores from the questions we answers several months ago so far.  It could be because we don’t know the pastor well.  He seems to indicate that there aren’t any red flags, so that’s good. He thinks we’ll be fine w/ three sessions.  I think we should pay him $250 for the 3 sessions plus the ceremony (I think it’d figure to less than $50/per hour, if you don’t factor in driving time).  I wish he would be a bit more straight-forward about ideal donation pricing, but I think technically it’s something they don’t demand.
  • My conversation w/ my son for his bday was less than meaningful. I didn’t send him a card or gift (and don’t even know if he has a working box at his new address anyhow.) The relationship is so shattered and fluctuates moment by moment.  I can only hope I can make some good decisions and that it will eventually get better and more stable. I worry about him, but feel I keep my distance because nearly anything I say or do can unset him or lead him to feel I’m doing things that he never wanted (and it hurts to feel that he’s ungrateful or that I am doing things that are meaningless to him.)
  • Recently (during pms) I tried calling five people.  There’s additional people I wish I could call but know I really can’t.  Finally reached someone after the fifth call… it helped to get my mind in a different place and hear what was happening with them.  Texting is not a way that I can work thru immediate issues, and sometimes blogging isn’t what I need in the moment too.  I hate that I don’t have a better support network.  Our church shared about a group that’s in our area for people who might have mental illness.. but there’s a lot of fear about how profound other people’s issues may be – I suppose (to be bluntly -and perhaps rudely – honest) I don’t want to be “the most functioning person in the room” – I want an element of calm normalcy… I don’t want their issues to bump up against mine too perhaps.  I think that’s why individual counseling is likely the best option, and helps avoids some awkward, situational discomfort.
  • Friday is here and I don’t know what we will be doing for the weekend.  I feel a sense of stir-cray.. like I must accomplish something (on my terms)… but don’t know what that is that I/we will do or if I would truly get a sense of relief or a feeling of accomplishment if I/we do something productive in some manner. I’m also tired and happy to stay out of the heat… It’s not even summer and I’m ready for fall weather to be here!
  • I feel like I will really never obtain the idea larger family unit that I desire.  Close knit, close by, together for holidays & significant days in a joyful manner, making meaningful memories together.  Like the idea of letting go of ever having another child, it feels like another loss.  Why is everybody else simply ok with this, why didn’t God put something in their heart to desire this too?

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sorting things out

After aunt flo visits, there’s often this fluctuation of “I can and will do everything!!!” that is at war with “I don’t feel capable of anything successful or complete” and the plain and simple, easy “nah… because I don’t really have to or I just don’t have the energy“.

What I want to do is succeed, have a vision, feel fulfilled, feel connected (at home, with family, in my community, with a few close-by friends too.)  I know I’m not the first to need this, not going to be the last who struggles with these matters on various levels too. I know simple answers to make some things change, but the battle cry of can’t and won’t often eclipse the can & will… I’m afraid of doing nothing more than live in the pipe dream land that has no beginning nor ending…

I sometimes envision encountering someone like my old boss from 18 years ago who I know should receive a lot of credit for being a driving force for me to reach my first degree.  I think it’s not easy to come by someone like that, truly.  I have had a few bosses that have been really great in a variety of ways, but there was something about the way she encouraged that I didn’t want to disappoint. She never helicoptered with me – though she did get fairly upset when I decided to up and leave to go to a conservative Christian college in a different state to pursue a BA degree.  I often ponder for short times about how different my life and my son’s life would be if I had followed her advice.  It makes me a little sad because I couldn’t see past my stubborn decision to do what I thought would be best, that I felt would make me feel closer to God even perhaps.

I don’t regret one friendship that came out of my choice… and I had to learn the hard way that “their way” wasn’t the only way to live a life of faith and love to others too.  But I regret most the extreme hardship that my son now chooses to live in, with a lot of impact based on decisions I made that shaped where he went, how he ended up being treated, how he likely feels about being loved too, and quite possibly impacting some level of mental health of his too.

Moving on… I can get lost dwelling on the past so easily because it affects my today sometimes.

Dv made a decision to move where we are. I know he sees that I am not thriving and seems open to a move when the time comes, provided it’s a reasonable/logical choice. I am extremely grateful for that… more than he realizes perhaps.

I want us to make a logical decision, but also ̶w̶a̶n̶t̶  need to factor in my mental health needs when the time comes to take the plunge for a move.  I know a support network and/or family is going to benefit Dv , our relationship and my life as a whole.

This means I will have to make sacrifices in other areas that won’t affect my mental health, it also means taking a very deep inventory as to what I need to do and what I can do (with a lot of effort at times) to transition successfully, to find and submit to the encouragement I may need to take steps forward in life (rather than remain stagnant in a career that brings me unhappiness) and to not continue living in the land of pipe dreams.

I also need to continually figure out a way to work on my contentment issues, as well as work on not verbalizing what I am feeling in the moment (as much) around Dv too.

These feel like daunting tasks that I’m afraid of not being able to overcome.

Fear is no fun for anyone.


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p m s

Today feels a bit like a pms day, which seems to be edged up a notch by fluctuating pain of an unknown source.  I feel afraid to reach out to my doctor, because I feel certain she thinks I’m a hypochondriac… not to mention I am up to my neck in debt to the last doctor I went to because of issues I’ve been having.

I feel egdy, misunderstood and alone in this.

I want to escape from my job – yeah, I like my boss… but if I don’t like the majority of other things that go along with it, and feel like my life is stagnant as an admin for the most part… but w/out a degree what f-ing choice do I have to make the amount of $ that I make, at the physical level that it has too.

I hate today, I hate fibromyalgia, and pms.

I have guests later, so praying it will lift the mood and distract from what I am feeling.

🌀 swirls 🌀

After such an amazing trip why am I having such an incredible let-down and depression? I really don’t think it’s anything to do with tiredness after vacation… perhaps more to do with the family part, the part where I feel this incredible magnetic-like pull to have some sense of family in my life on a regular basis.

When I think of family, my first thoughts take me to a flash back to the incredibly dysfunctional paternal grandmother I had who moved closer to us when I was a teenager – and even though she was a rather sh!tty mom & grandmother, she at least gave us a very small sense of family at the holidays (since my father would permit this with her, even though he didn’t really care for her either.)

I was robbed of the good family, the family that would have provided pleasant holidays filled with love and gratitude and wholeness (for the most part).

I feel so f-ing ungrateful to ask for more than what I currently have.  But to be honest with myself & others, I have to admit that there is this huge hole in my heart (put there by the past, most certainly) that doesn’t get a “pass” because of water views and a cat.  But there’s the other part of me that acknowledges the issue I have with discontentment, that I can only look back on the good – instead of seeing the amazing things I have today.  I recognize this in myself, but it doesn’t change what I feel – and knowing what is legit to address, what is too scary to address with others because I feel a sense of hopelessness and lack of ability or say in matters… knowing what is important in the grand scheme of things (having family nearby vs money vs good climate, etc…..).

And do I need to identify what is possibly just a pipe dream?  Is it possible I could try to live closer to others and we wouldn’t really get more time, I wouldn’t really have a garden and a dog and art (made by me), and I really wouldn’t all of a sudden be less depressed, more fit, more educated or a better wife or family member because of it?

All I know is a sense of emptiness in the current status quo.

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Articles…

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triggering

Started group the other day.  That’s good.  What isn’t good – is the slightly triggering thoughts that cause the problem to continue… hopefully not increase.

Food is an issue, particularly sugary (chocolatey) foods.  Carbs are a part of it too though.

I can tell myself I don’t “need” them… but in the moment, it feels like a need?
I can tell myself that it’s a choice… but in the moment, I ignore that choice.

It’s disheartening – I feel like I need a crutch just to be able to say NO to these things. A pill that makes me lose the desire for it… or alternate foods so I can feel full so I won’t crave it.

… . . . . .

day two of choosing to sleep in another bed for no reason in particular.
maybe because I know I will ultimately end up there due to my insomnia or whatever..

I don’t think it’s good for us.