sum wun ohs meeee

upset because I’m owed by the state or county and they are short-staffed, they don’t return calls, they don’t seek to do anything to help resolve if it’s “not their issue”… they just sweep it under the rug and dismiss the problem as someone else’s.

I know I wouldn’t do this to someone else… and I don’t know if they are just so swamped that they can’t handle more than a few matters a day… but it’s beyond frustrating.

End of rant.

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swirls, reins, wishes n things

just processing all that is going on

  • My head is somewhat swirling at work and trying to stay on task with just one item at a time so that I can finish item(s) in a timely manner.  Agh.  I really can’t imagine how they were handling everything here before I was hired on.  I’m grateful to be using my mind, creativity (a little) and to have good coworkers too.
  • we put up a Christmas tree… it’s been nice to make something traditional happen in the house. Sometimes it feels “barren” in the sense that it’s just for us (as if “just us” doesn’t count for anything – like it would only count if there were kids/family involved in the Christmas process.)  I know I sort of want my son to move up (though it kind of scares me to consider that too), and would really, really love if my mom would consider moving this way… I just want to have that sense of family – and yes I still yearn somewhat for a young child in my life too, but I can’t even fathom that happening in any way, shape or form at this point.  I know it would add a lot (seriously a lot more) onto our plates… but I think it would make my life feel fuller and more meaningful… and I still want a dog (but also want a yard).  I want these things sooner than later too. It feels like we’re in limbo-land somewhat.
  • we’re pulling in the reins with regards to the wedding.
    • just a ceremony, no reception, no tuxes or frills – this will cut costs tremendously
    • I wish we could just do it closer to home (NC) to cut costs even more and simplify things too.  We could hire the photographer who did the last set even.
    • Dv wants to take the sacrament during the wedding – I don’t see anything wrong with this… it would be meaningful…
    • we’re supposed to have premarital counseling by an episcopal priest (I need to start doing the “homework” to that soon…)  It feels weird because it’s going to be done by someone we’re not really connected to from a church we didn’t really feel would be “home” to us.
  • we need to find a church home… we haven’t been to an Episcopal church that either of us really feel at home at. Dv wants for us to find a church and rotate back and forth between the two… not cool in my book.  It’s like being a part of a divorced family, where you spend alternating weekends at one parent or the other.  Not my thing at all.  I don’t want to be “all or none” on this, but I just want something we both can feel at home with.
  • I have a lot of goals that I really need to start on.  It makes me feel overwhelmed and worried that I won’t be able to complete what I set out to do.  A pretty common reoccurring fear, of course.

Well… I have to get back to work now.

Not so pooh-tangl-ish lately

Life doesn’t feel so pooh-tangl-ish lately.
This is a good thing.

Yes, I still hope to make some deeper, meaningful relationships,
and I know there’s a few things more I want in life
(like a dog, and the right house at the right place)…
But things are good right now, overall.

I feel happy that a few small checkmarks have been completed w/ regards to Dv‘s father’s home.  No, it’s not all that needs to be done, but a lot has been completed that needed to happen (in my opinion, at least).  I’m happy to have been a cog in the wheel that helped get things worked out too.  It’s a fine line between being a busy-body butt-in-ski and a useful cog… I think I was a useful cog here lately. lol  Hopefully Dv‘s family feels that I’m more helpful than butt-in-ski too.

A LOT of checkmarks still yet to accomplish ahead… downloaded the Wunderlist app and asked if Dv would too, esp w/ regards to wedding planning deadlines (so we don’t have a massive amount to do at once, or don’t miss out on important reservations if someone else takes them first).  Still in decision mode about the reception.  Hoping that the people dearest to me can make it, but that I can be understanding and not let it dampen my spirit or thoughts of self-worth or thoughts about where relationships lie… I know it’s silly if I would let it do that… but my head has a funny way of playing tricks on me.

Meeting with a financial adviser later this week to try to make sense of all the things we need to do for our future as well as a plan of attack for my debts.  Hoping it won’t be as stressful as I am imagining it might be.

processing

I wanted to blog last night, as my head was swirling with so many thoughts in every direction… but I was physically and emotionally exhausted from the day so perhaps all the words won’t come that filled my mind yesterday.

Yesterday I spent the day trying to sort and clean the home of a man who had committed suicide about a month ago.

I don’t know what items may have been cleared by anyone else who may have entered the home prior to me… it struck me though that dying is such a raw, vulnerable moment for humans.  People see everything…. everything you had in your home, what your habits were, what kind of cleanliness you kept… they get to pick up your pieces… in some ways it felt like I was a salvage rat – because I would see this or that and think, “ooh, we could use that”.  A lot of it will get donated, I know we could use some of the items… But I am also reflecting now how a lifetime of work, investment, or a few moments of shopping just simply go on to the next person and perhaps they don’t appreciate what went into that item or who that item belonged to.

Death usually isn’t an easy item for me to ponder on too much (I imagine it’s not an easy item for most anyhow).  I have thought about how close I came to death in the past, as well as the times I’ve felt drawn to that ending in life.  I am glad I’m past that (seemingly so, at least).  It’s been hard that this topic has come up in conversation between Dv and me… about what he would be willing to do should certain issues arise in his personal life.  I haven’t accepted his words really, but know I have no say in the matter.  And it makes me ponder if I would seem selfish for wanting people to keep me around if I was beyond hope in certain circumstances… I guess even though I was previously (selfishly) ready to face death on my own terms, I actually fear it and all that comes with it.

I’ve pondered how aging puts burdens on people – sometimes on people you love, sometimes on strangers who know nothing about you and you have to be vulnerable with them to care for you (even if they have no compassion or heart for what they are doing).  Vulnerability and neediness sucks, perhaps because I have seen a decline (in my personal circles of people) who genuinely seek to care for, to be present and a help for their family as they age.  But who is to say that my life and need for care outweigh their need to have their routines and home life interrupted and burdened?  I imagine this dredges up the age-old problem I have with self worth and value –  I assume that I won’t be of value to anyone in the years to come that would make it worthwhile for them to take me in, or to provide personal care over putting me into assisted living.

I fear incontinence and the issues that surround it.  I fear not being mobile enough to get around on my own.  I fear being a position that someone would have to bathe or clean me in various ways.  I fear being “too much” to handle and fear not having family in my life that genuinely care or feel close.  It is a reality that many people have to endure every day – and a job that people have to take on as well.  I guess I fear that people don’t or won’t have a heart to endure those tasks in a way that isn’t cold – that it will simply be obligated, empty or draining for them.

I have a friend who was unlike any other friend I have known.  When her grandparents were sick – she was present.  Very present.  Yes, she may have relied on home healthcare to help them, in addition to the things that she did – but she sacrificed time at school, and perhaps even personal wants so that she could truly be there for that family member.  I just don’t see that happening in the circle of people I have in my own life.  It’s disheartening.  It kind of brings back the thoughts about how I wanted to be so much like my grandmother and great-grandmother — a woman that made people feel loved, so loved that they would want to pour that love back into you too.  I don’t feel I have been able to pour sufficient, healthy love and words and time into my circle that it would come back to me.

On a different note – I was also impacted by the words of denial and outcry to defend their life in words on paper.  It led me to reflect on who I have been, on how I have attempted to defend or justify my huge mistakes — and wondering if I ever have done enough to warrant forgiveness, how I can continue to make myself worthy of forgiveness as mistakes I’ve made have impacted my son’s life (or others) in a negative way… about what more I can do, or how I can accept rejection/heartbreak if they aren’t ready to receive my apologies or attempts to make up for mistakes in some manner without just giving up on them.  I hate the feeling of being insufficient and not being the kind of family that I imagine is “normal” and close and loving and able to make adequate steps in healing/forgiveness towards each other.

One other thought also has pervaded me in the past few months, following my uncle’s passing along with this person’s suicide – I have begged my mom to have a will drawn up.  She is always too busy, too tired, too everything to do it.  It’s not that she has much of anything, but with the animosity my brother has towards me, I just know that it will likely bring drama that I won’t want to encounter while mourning my mom.  I want things to be simple, drama-free and just be able to focus on what needs to be done while I’m mourning her loss.  I know I can’t control it – and don’t know what more to do with that regard, really.  I know if she had a need for a doctor appointment, she would make it happen.  If she needed to get groceries, she would make it happen.  If she needed to clean the house, water plants, take care of her pets… she would make it happen.  I think she either doesn’t see it as a need or maybe it brings up too much for her to think about, so she just pushes it away.

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rollercoasterish

After pms and my period comes a day or so of feeling like I can do many things… I usually feel overwhelmed by anything I commit to after that though.

I have a seemingly “maybe” on a job that I really want.  Hate waiting to hear! Afraid to hope too much, but it would be the right job (though I am somewhat afraid of all I would have to initiate on my own and the organizational detail I would need to do and that I would have to hunt down people who might be willing to share their knowledge if there’s something I can’t figure out.)  It would open doors to education and steps up (perhaps in the communication world, and perhaps even some art classes that would be enjoyable too.)

I see my words above and it feels like it would lead to putting down roots.  I don’t feel settled in that phrase, at least not yet.  Poor Dv has to endure listening to me cry about this (increasingly so, it seems), because I don’t have local girlfriends to chat with.

Surprised that my son has made a few texts lately.  Perhaps they finally put a reminder in their phones to send me a message occasionally.

I have made a phone call/text regarding a gift I have been planning for a long while now… and anxious that I am not hearing anything back.  So, what’s my backup plan that will be even somewhat remotely as great??? Agh.

Driving above the mason-dixon line later this week.  Somewhat anxious about it…. sometimes meetings like this with family can set the tone for years to come.

Side note: I don’t know why when someone has a negative thing to say about someone else, I feel it necessary to reflect on their words to see if it applies to me – I worry so, so much that a person will feel that I also have the negative quality that I will be deemed unlovable, unworthy, and unredeemable.  I know in my early adult years that all I wanted was to be like my grandmother and great-grandmother — a person that people were drawn to.  They had arms that welcomed all, that were a great comfort and that you never felt overwhelmed by.  I think the fears that I have driven me to be somewhat the opposite, ironically, even though my heart still yearns to be like those women I loved dearly.

Memorial for my uncle was rescheduled.  Some of me feels kind of empty about it now that so much time has passed… I truly hope it will be a meaningful event that honors him.  I wish we didn’t have to stay two nights — selfishly, I would like to stay/visit the old area I lived in for our second night instead.  We’ll see if I can make that happen somehow, if it doesn’t ruffle any feathers and is somewhat affordable (within the range of what we would have spent if we would have stayed with family a second night).

 

little fears and gripes

Feeling a little fearful lately – not sure if it is because I am approaching that time of the month in about a week.

  • Wanting to feel settled, in a land I feel fairly unsettled in.
  • Wanting to pay my own bills, stressing over money is never ever fun, stressing over people helping me during this time is no fun either.
  • Wanting to get a job in a field and company that could potentially help me feel more settled here.  I can only hope.
  • I asked my half brothers if they would like they would like to attend my wedding (if there actually will be a wedding)… they both said yes.  I actually sorta expected a “can’t” or no response from them… so now I have paranoia that they might try to hurt me (emotionally) at the event somehow…  Long story, but it involves my father.

The next is a mix of fear, frustration and sadness…  My son is supposedly going to come to a memorial for my uncle in a few weeks with his wife.  Hard to believe they have been married for 9-10 months now.  I have had such little contact with them, it makes me increasingly sad.  Doesn’t he know that he and my mom are the only family I have?  It plays on my negative self image so much, the horrible tapes I play in my head, the anxiety that I will lose the little bit of contact that I have… I feel like I am continually screwing things up, insufficient, a “bad mom”, unworthy of his love, overbearing, a worry-wart that only pushes him away with my worries and words…

  • My mom said she didn’t think he would ultimately come to the memorial.  I felt like what she really meant was that she hoped he wouldn’t come (because of drama, etc).
  • He’s supposed to reach out to me if he needs a ride from the airport to the memorial… I haven’t heard anything, of course.  Not sure if I just need to chalk that up to young-people-being-young-people (not planning ahead etc), or letting my worries get the best of me – that he just doesn’t want to deal with me.  Or maybe he doesn’t really intend on coming.  Or maybe he’s just going to find a way to make his own way so he doesn’t have to rely on anyone.

Someone helped me a lot so I could make a full payment for my dept of revenue payment for the month, so I  am fairly safe with them til early Oct at least.  I’ve contacted the dept of revenue to see if they will proceed with a modification to merge the two accounts, to help me close this crap out after this year.  I am so so ready to have this mess behind me.   I wish I could win the lotto so that so many worries could be behind me — so we could have a house where I want to live (well, I would hope it would be a place we BOTH want to live), and have a golden retriever (I know this would be very therapeutic and healthier for me), and focus on doing things that are more fulfilling rather than living hand to mouth and living in a place that doesn’t feel like home ( minus the “home” I do feel with Dv ).

I know there’s the old saying “home is where you hang your hat”, and “if you’re not able to be happy where you are, you won’t be happy anywhere”… and really I have zero say over where we live along with the fact that Dv has a job and finances to care for things right now.  We’ve been here about 8 months… I have made no real friends, haven’t plugged myself in anywhere regularly, and just don’t really find this place anything special (therapeutically speaking).  I just continually focus on my yearning for a place that is therapeutic (serene, a variety of places of  inspiring beauty, memorable, a place that draws you in – maybe even draws friends/family to come visit or live!), a place that feels like home, a place that feels like I could one day feel settled to retire in, a place where I feel like I have a heart to contribute more of myself when I’m more capable of doing so, a place with family/close friends (if at all remotely possible).  My life isn’t empty with only Din it, but it’s not well-rounded by any means.

I don’t want to come across as whiny and ungrateful.  But people need people.  People need more than just one source of human contact from day to day.  Women need women in their life (in my personal opinion and experience), we need outlets outside our spouse/significant others (in person!) to spend time with.  We need family and friends in our lives, imo.

I want & need to be supportive of my spouse-to-be… of his dreams, wants and goals.  I want him to be successful, happy and fulfilled.  I pray we can find a balance somehow, and am sad & frustrated (with myself) that my heart yearns for something different than what he has found contentment with.

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yet again

fuck this mess.

In fall 2017, I went in to the Fl Child Support Office and initiated a case for arrears to be collected on my behalf.  I made the horrible mistake of letting them know I was moving… so they canceled it and required me to file thru my new state.   So I did.  And now, 9 or so months later, I have a freaking muddied mess.  They show termination of the case several times, they didn’t send notice to the new state, they are requiring me to represent myself (even though the new state is supposed to be doing that), they won’t talk to me because they say that the new state represents me – yet the clerk of court says the new state has NOTHING to do with this case.  Person in the new state says I can get a telephonic hearing by sending a fax – clerk of court says NO… Clerk of court rep tried saying “just don’t come” and they will let you know what happens… Ugh.  Yeah, and then what?!?!  It will just delay the mess even more.  I’m just a number on a variety of levels and agencies with this regard.

I shared my damn GoFundMe link yet again on facebook, hidden from a few people who I cringe at letting them see my link again.  Really I hate for anyone to see it.  I just sometimes pray that someone like Bill Gates or the owner of Amazon will somehow see it, and it will be one second of income for them and they will just help so I won’t come across as a burden to friends and family (yet again). I hate the silence (the ignores), but at the same time I HATE HATE HATE asking yet again.

Sometimes I will think the past ten years is behind me, but then these kind of things come up and it brings me to my knees as I feel so weak, so impotent, so needy, and so incapable…  and more. Lack of response, lack of taking care of all these responsibilities myself, the burden it puts on others when they all have their own struggles and goals… but it also all validates the many negative things I spin in my head about myself.

I have said it before, I know… but I am so anxious to put this all behind me.

My apologies for this negative rant.